The worst thing about music is the auditions and the recitals.
Music wrenches deep into the soul and pulls out parts of yourself that exist for creating and innovating the sounds around you. Auditions and recitals are the bane of music. As a person who has done years of piano, the things I looked forward to the least were recitals or auditions. It was not about the person watching me, but about parts of myself being pulled apart from my own internal judgment. The longer the anxiety grew about playing or singing for others to inspect, the more it led me to judge myself prematurely.
This constant judgment led to performance anxiety. For me, this comes in the form of feeling nauseous, dizzy, and sweaty. Besides that, there is the feeling of sinking into a pool of hot water. When the moment comes to create that first note, it comes out with the last drowning breath in your body or those shaking fingers trying to swim upwards.
Should playing music invoke such irrational emotions? Music is an art form that can be a spiritual experience and has the capability to be a safe place. These are true for people from several different cultures because of music’s ability to break down walls on the outside and on the inside. When music becomes an object of immeasurable anxiety, people forget that it is not playing that instrument or singing that causes them to feel anxious, it is the part that is not actually music at all.
It’s a fear of judgment from our peers. A fear that this openness that is felt when taking part in music-making might not be adequate for someone else. In turn, a person with performance anxiety projects this fear prematurely to protect themselves from the worst possible thing; being told that the music you make isn’t worth hearing.
That’s not what music is made for. Music is meant to be listened to with acceptance. There is a beauty that resides in anyone’s innate ability to create sound from their bodies. This is true for animals as well. The whole world makes music and it does not need permission to be heard from others. The world’s music will be listened to.
In this season of auditions and preparation for recitals to come, I want all the music lovers of Gustavus to remember why they started to play music in the first place. What made you want to create music? When I first started playing the drums, I wanted to play because it meant that I could play music with my dad. Now it’s a therapeutic outlet for all of the emotions I feel daily.
Music may not be as important to you as it is to others, but whether you like it or not, you have been shaped by music. The music you listened to in your childhood developed aspects of who you are today. It may have been a tool for bonding between you and your family. I have experienced that in many ways. Some notable examples are my dad’s bath time parody of “Backstreet’s Back” by The Backstreet Boys to getting help from my father to create a Luigi diss-track parodied over Childish Gambino’s “Sweatpants IV.”
All of those are ways music has shaped you in the present day; it is important. Now imagine that nostalgic feeling becoming an overbearing anxiety. Performance anxiety is difficult to overcome and a fear musicians have to overcome constantly.
That is not to say that auditions and recitals do not have benefits for musicians, as it helps them face their fears and anxieties, but they can develop a more hostile and competitive environment for musicians and the way they perceive their music. Regardless of whether you choose to be a musician who takes part in auditions or recitals, you will discover that the moments you create
within your musical groups are worth it. Music does not have to be hostile or competitive. Music can be a collaborative experience that is shared with those you care about. If I could give three tips on how to combat performance anxiety before any auditions or recitals this year, I would say that you should start with pairing your breathing with different muscles in your body. Relax areas of your body other than your vocal cords or hands. Recall the moments with music you have enjoyed, and then remember what made music important to you. Practice mindfulness and intentionally choose to be positive towards yourself before you go in. The worst part will be over before you know it, and all of those special moments that will be made with other musicians at Gustavus will be en route.