Will Sorg – Movie Guy
This is not the worst movie I have ever seen. It is certainly the only movie I have gotten paid to review that I would describe as utterly worthless, devoid of all passion, and genuinely garbage, but it is not the worst movie I have ever seen. Let me take you back to a simpler time. You remember the I Am Your Gummy Bear song right? The repetitive German dance song for children that was made fifteen years ago and has over three billion views on Youtube? I hope you do because otherwise this whole article is even more of a waste of time than previously thought.
I Am Your Gummy Bear was massively successful in 2007 and then, somewhere between then and 2012, whoever was in charge of that intellectual property decided it was a good idea to make a Christmas movie about Gummibär, the virtual character created for the song. So then The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa was made. It is a 2012 animated film that pushes the boundaries of what can be considered animation because it truly looks like a five-year-old made the film. That or a group of time-crunched, apathetic animators who did not care and an editor who had to put it all together in a day because this movie is borderline unwatchable. I do not know how to describe this movie. It is forty-five minutes long – not counting credits. It contains roughly four musical numbers that are just recordings from the various Gummibär albums. Santa goes missing because an Alien abducts him with a magician’s wand. It is a baffling movie featuring some of the ugliest characters ever created. The titular Gummy Bear is a grotesque green creature. One of his ears has a bite taken out of it, as if to tell us a visual tale of a failed assassination attempt against the emerald monstrosity. He wears orange underwear and nothing else, and he sports a five o’clock shadow, there is nothing about this disgusting beast that is appealing and yet he is not even the worst part.
The whole thing feels like an experiment to see if you can make a movie with as few things that are actually needed for movies as possible. I am still not entirely convinced that this can be classified as a movie. There is barely a plot; the script is what a very smart rock would come up with. It is difficult to even describe what is so bad about the movie because everything is bad. It would take around five pages to accurately sum up everything that is wrong with this.
If you want a movie to watch this April please do not watch The Yummy Gummy Search For Santa. Instead, see if you can get your hands on a movie of quality. I would recommend Martin Scorsese’s 1973 classic Goncharov. It has been described as “the greatest mafia movie ever made,” and I would agree wholeheartedly. Robert DeNiro’s performance as Goncharov is the master actor at his best. Although it is incredibly hard to find, I think you will find the experience to be one of a kind. I watched it on Quibi and the biggest surprise was that they kept in the shot of Harvey Keitel hacking a man to pieces with a machete and saying “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN NAPLES! I AM HARVEY.” Needless to say, that film is a must-see.